My Healing Heart: Who am I?

Monday, October 26, 2009

Who am I?

For the past seven months I keep waiting to feel like myself again. Waiting to wake up one morning and feel like the old Kristy. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I realized that I will never be that Kristy again. That person died with Oliver.

My goal now is to be content in my own skin, to rediscover the parts of me that are still there and to figure out who I am now. It has been such a confusing time. For months I have searched and searched for something to fill the void in my life. I have applied for countless jobs, started school, started seeing a counsellor, started selling Pampered Chef, started signing up for things. I have been searching for things to occupy my mind to keep it busy so there is less time to focus on my sadness less time to be consumed with my anxiety.

It is most likely a blessing that I didn't get any of the full-time hard core corporate communications positions I applied for. I don't think I could have handled full-time work on top of everything else. Now I am working part-time, going to school, taking care of Seija, doing the books for my husband's business, selling Pampered Chef and running the household all the while attempting to answer the question, who am I now?

1 comment:

Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I sayFebruary 21, 2010 at 5:56 PM
First, thanks for sharing. I'm new to this blogosphere thing. Looking for support as I travel my path after the death of my daugther on 9/28/09. (she was born with trisomy 18 and lived 2 1/2 days).

I am with you on this! I wonder who I am, and what gives me meaning in life now? I don't have any answers, yet. I'm not who I was, I know that.
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Dear Oliver

This letter from me to my son was read at his funeral.

Dear Oliver,

We never got to meet you but we already loved you with all of our hearts. I spent the last seven months getting to know you as you turned and kicked inside my belly and it was so wonderful.

It feels so cruel that you could be taken away from us before you were born but I do believe that God needed you even more than we did and I am happy that you will never suffer and will always live in eternal happiness at the same time you live inside our hearts.

I am sad that you will never get the chance to come home with us, we have a really great family, if I don’t say so myself. There are so many people who love you. You have two fantastic sets of grandparents who would have been a big part of your life, they would have been there for you through anything and would have spoiled you with all kinds of fun and hugs and of course chocolate.

I am sad that you will never get the chance to do things with your dad. He is an amazing man and he loves you so much. He was so excited to teach you all kinds of things. I just know he would have been your hero just as he is mine and your sisters’.

I’m sad that you will never get to play with your sister. She is so wonderful and even though she would have most likely terrorized you from time to time she would have been a great big sister.

I am heartbroken that I will never get the chance to be your mother in the true sense of the word. I would have done my best to be the mother that you deserved.

Even though it hurts so bad I can hardly stand it I am still so happy that I was pregnant with you. I would never want to change that even if I could, even if it meant I wouldn’t feel this pain because I got to feel you move, because we love you with all of our hearts and because you will always be our son and that is something no one can ever take away from us.

Thank-you Oliver Mikko for touching our lives forever. You have shown me what is truly important in life and you have taught me how precious life is. You have brought so many members of your family closer together and you have given us the gift of love. For these reasons I thank-you my son.

We will always love you,
Mommy