After Oliver died there were sympathy cards in the mailbox EVERY day for over a month. At times the cards were comforting and at times they were like a slap in the face, a constant reminder.
Because I signed up for every sample, free offer, coupons and email newsletter I could find when I was pregnant I still have an abundance of samples and coupons arriving in the mail to feed the baby I don't have. I also have a steady stream of emails with coupons and articles filled with advice on how to handle the baby I don't have. Every time I get a sample in the mail I cry and every time I see an email I can feel the lump in my throat grow larger. But, for some reason I have never unsubscribed to any of the many email and mail services that send torture in the mail. On some level I find comfort in these reminders...perhaps it is about having the opportunity to hold something in my hands that should have been used for Oliver.
Today when I went to my mailbox there was a letter from my church announcing their memorial service this Sunday for all parishioners who passed away this year. A candle will be lit for Oliver and if I attend the service than I will get to light the candle. Receiving this letter today was hard. I felt my grief weigh heavier on my shoulders but I also felt a bit of relief in my heart for the chance to be a little closer to him this Sunday. To light a candle in his name and to celebrate him.
Before I started writing tonight's post I received an email in my inbox that said "Your Baby should be 5 months and two weeks old today!" I felt a little angry and then sad and then I opened it and devoured every word. Sometimes we find comfort in the strangest places.