Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Four months is a long time

Cannot believe it has been four months since I last posted an entry. That's awful. I had intended this to be a place where I could heal my heart through the written word but soon discovered that I would often feel worse after writing. Confronting your grief and in my case anxiety is not an easy thing to do. So I skirted away from it even though I would feel guilty because of it. I owe it to my son and to myself to face these feelings so here I am world. Hear me roar.

It will probably take me a few posts to catch up. I will start with the post that I should have entered a few days after my last post, after I attended the memorial service at my church during which I had the opportunity to light a candle for my little boy. Well...I was unable to physically light the candle myself, my husband had to help me as my hand was shaking to badly to be able to hold the match, but you get the idea. It was a heart wrenching, devastating and beautiful service. My tears flowed from the moment I walked into the church until the moment I walked out but I loved it. It felt like I was closer to Oliver for that hour, as though for those 60 minutes he was sitting beside me, holding my hand and telling me that it was alright. So thank-you to my little boy for that special gift. Momma loves you.

Christmas was a bittersweet time as anyone who has suffered a loss can attest to, I'm sure. I was getting so annoyed with all of my well-meaning family and friends who kept saying "Aren't you so excited for Christmas? Seija is getting so old this is sure to be your best Christmas ever!!" I cannot tell you how many times I heard this. I just wanted to yell at them, are you FREAKING kidding me? This is the worst Christmas ever. Yes, it was wonderful to see the joy on my daughter's face, to see the magic of Christmas very evident in her beautiful blue eyes. But above all Christmas was a reminder of what should have been. It should have been our first Christmas as a family of four, it should have been Oliver's first Christmas. He should have been crawling everywhere getting into everything and driving us crazy, instead of watching us from heaven as his ashes rest on our mantle.

But we survived. I was much more excited for New Years than I was for Christmas. I just had a feeling that 2010 was going to be a year of wonderment. A year of change, a year for great things.

And so far I have not been disappointed...

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