Wednesday, March 3, 2010

New year - New life (God Willing)

Yesterday I finished my post with a bit of a cliffhanger, perhaps it would have been effective if anyone other than myself actually read this blog. LOL.

Well....we are pregnant and as long as everything goes according to plan we will have a baby in September. I'm excited but also nervous and scared although I guess that is to be expected. When I was pregnant with Seija and in the beginning with Oliver it never really occurred to me that something horrible could happen. As soon as I passed that elusive 12 week mark I was completely confident in planning for a future for my child. Never did it cross my mind that I may end up at the end of the road without a baby. But now - now that is all I think of.

I try to stay positive and have only dragged my poor husband to the ER once so far. I rented a doppler so that I could listen to my little bean's heartbeat. I was hoping it might cut down on the visits to the hospital if I could assure myself at home that baby was indeed alive. I used it for the first time last night and after a few moments I located the most beautiful sound on earth. I was so excited to share this sound with my husband but he didn't share in my joy. Instead he became pale, whiter than a sheet and he started shaking a little and looked as though he might faint. The last time he heard that sound was the night before Oliver's heart stopped beating. I guess it brought everything back for him. He seemed surprised that I didn't feel the same. Not that I didn't understand or have some of the same feelings - when I first heard this baby's heartbeat at my ultrasound a few weeks ago I did drift back to that day last year. But, I was so happy to hear this heartbeat and I want to concentrate on this life and not compare every moment, every milestone to Oliver, as much of a challenge as that is going to be. I think I will take it easy on the doppler for awhile though.

I will be 12 weeks next Friday - Oliver's Birthday/Angelversary.

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