Well....we are pregnant and as long as everything goes according to plan we will have a baby in September. I'm excited but also nervous and scared although I guess that is to be expected. When I was pregnant with Seija and in the beginning with Oliver it never really occurred to me that something horrible could happen. As soon as I passed that elusive 12 week mark I was completely confident in planning for a future for my child. Never did it cross my mind that I may end up at the end of the road without a baby. But now - now that is all I think of.
I try to stay positive and have only dragged my poor husband to the ER once so far. I rented a doppler so that I could listen to my little bean's heartbeat. I was hoping it might cut down on the visits to the hospital if I could assure myself at home that baby was indeed alive. I used it for the first time last night and after a few moments I located the most beautiful sound on earth. I was so excited to share this sound with my husband but he didn't share in my joy. Instead he became pale, whiter than a sheet and he started shaking a little and looked as though he might faint. The last time he heard that sound was the night before Oliver's heart stopped beating. I guess it brought everything back for him. He seemed surprised that I didn't feel the same. Not that I didn't understand or have some of the same feelings - when I first heard this baby's heartbeat at my ultrasound a few weeks ago I did drift back to that day last year. But, I was so happy to hear this heartbeat and I want to concentrate on this life and not compare every moment, every milestone to Oliver, as much of a challenge as that is going to be. I think I will take it easy on the doppler for awhile though.
I will be 12 weeks next Friday - Oliver's Birthday/Angelversary.