Try not to think what might have been...

A year ago today my son was still alive (in my belly). I was on day 5 of bedrest, hundreds of miles from home in a crappy hospital in Sudbury. My husband spent each night on the hospital bed next to me and we spent the day playing cards and talking, dreaming about bringing our son home. We were no longer scared that something horrible would happen although we were preparing for a pre-term baby. We received word on this day that we only had to make it through another couple of days before we would be flown home. We celebrated this wonderful news and called it a good day.

Before I went to bed I was monitored, as per usual, and we heard Oliver's heartbeat. It was a little faster than normal, a little scattered. The nurse shrugged it off, so we did the same. We settled into sleep oblivious that infection was settling in from my water breaking and poor Oliver wouldn't make it through the night. We discovered this the next day but it was two days later that I would give birth to him.

As we are so close to his angelversary I feel as though I am reliving my nightmare. I can smell the hospital, see the nurse and feel the uncomfortable sheets. It is going to be a hard couple of days. I still find myself concentrating on the what ifs. What if we did an ultrasound when Oliver's heart started beating irregulary. Could we have delivered him safely? What if the doctors would have allowed my labour to continue when my water first broke instead of stopping labour and allowing infection to fester for a week. What if? What might have been?

Tomorrow is my first appointment with my OB. I will be 12 weeks on Friday. I am scared shitless for my appointment tomorrow. Nearly convinced that the doc will tell me another heart has stopped beating. Guess I'll find out tomorrow.