Why Me? Why not.

I believe it is human nature to ask questions such as "Why me?" when we are faced with tragedy and/or challenges in our lives. I have certainly asked this many times: I asked that question when I found out that Oliver's heart no longer beat inside my womb. I asked that question when I found myself at my son's memorial service. And I have asked myself that question several times over the last few weeks as I faced complications in my pregnancy.

Sometimes we look for a reason why these things happen to us on a philosophical level (is God testing my strength or my my faith, is it karma, do I deserve this) but I think that's bullshit. Obviously no one deserves such heartbreak. The best answer I have been able to come up with is why the hell not. No one is discriminated against when it comes to tragedy, heartbreak and challenges. That's just life. So now, I'm trying to focus my energy on the power of positive thinking, on being strong enough to get through these moments in life instead of focusing on the why part. I finally realize that the why part is irrelevant and a waste of energy, it doesn't change anything and instead adds negative energy to the healing process.

Four weeks ago when I was 24 weeks pregnant I hemorrhaged. We rushed to the hospital where the oncall OB did an exam and told me it was her "clinical opinion" even though she couldn't prove it, that my waters had broke. In that moment I was transported back in time to March 2009 when we learned the same thing about my pregnancy with Oliver, and we all know how that turned out. So, obviously we were terrified and upset. The doctor then continued to say that at 24 weeks the baby had little to no chance at life and it was the opinion of the head of the neonatal pediatrics that we do nothing to save him. (i.e. no transfer to a hospital that can actually help 24 weekers and no resuscitation) So then of course we were devastated. I couldn't believe it was happening all over again.

To make a long story as short as possible - everything is okay. After the OB scared the shit out of us the neonatal doc came in and told us our son had every chance of survivial if we transfered out to a 3+ hospital. We were transfered to Winnipeg where we were immediately told my water did NOT break. I have been here in Winnipeg ever since. Almost four weeks now. I have had a total of 3 hemorrhages. I have what they are calling a chronic abruption which means a small tear in my placenta which continues to tear. I am on strict bedrest and now that I will be 28 weeks tomorrow I can go back home in a week or so. I will be on bedrest for the duration and I will most likely be in and out of the hospital, and probably won't make it full term BUT baby is okay, my water did not break and this is NOT the same as last time. (Enter the power of positive thinking).

I look forward to returning home to my family. Aside from the fear the worst part has been being separated from my daughter and husband. I know I won't be able to do much for her once I get home but at least I can see her smile and hear her laugh - which is the best medicine there is. And when I do get home you can be sure my energy will be focused on prayer and strength and not feeling sorry for myself or concentrating on the why.