I have prayed more in the last 24 hours than I can remember. People I don't even know have been praying for me, for us, as have some of my nearest and dearest. It is such an empowering thought to know that there are people talking to God on your behalf, people sending positive energy your way, and I am so so grateful. I posted my concern after my doctors appointment yesterday on my online birth club and was overwhelmed by the 30 responses I received, women who offered words of comfort, empathy and prayer for me.
I am grateful to all of these women, to my friends that remembered, to those that offered comfort to me today and to my sister for always being there.
My mother sent me an email today. It was beautiful. I think she was scared to call me as sometimes my sadness may be expressed as bitchiness especially with those I am most close to. In her email she said that she has been praying for me for the last 24 hours, which surprised me as my mother is self-admittedly not a person who usually prays. She said a lot of sweet, heartbreaking things but the line that hit me the hardest but was also exactly what I needed to hear was: "I am praying for my new grandchild. Please God let him be born. Let him feel the joy of being a part of your/our family. Let him experience the amazing gift of having you as his Momma." Thank-you mom for your words.
Juha and I took Seija out this evening. We wanted to go out, to celebrate this day, celebrate the life inside my belly and to celebrate our son who was taken away from us. We were trying to find something special to do but ended up going bowling. It was perfect - the perfect distraction.
It is a hard day. I just keep wishing that we were celebrating Oliver's first birthday. Wishing he was running, or crawling around, wishing we were surrounded by laughter and joy, wishing I could see Oliver eat his first piece of cake with his little hands, wishing my little boy was here with me instead of in heaven. BUT...wishing isn't going to change anything, I know that.
Happy Birthday Oliver. I love you.