Saturday, August 7, 2010

Oskar and Oliver

More than once I have called (or referred to) Oskar as Oliver. The simple reasons for this are because their names are similar, as in they both start with 'O' and also because Oskar looks exactly like Oliver did. The deeper reason is that some part of me truly believes that Oskar is both himself and Oliver. For the record I know exactly how crazy that sounds but that is how I feel in my heart of hearts.

After Oskar was born I was talking to one of my OB's about WHY this happened. How could I have such a normal, uneventful 42 week pregnancy with Seija and then have my water break at 30 weeks with Oliver and have him pass away before he was even born and then have that be followed by my pregnancy with Oskar where I bled continuously for 10 weeks before my water broke again, this time at 31 weeks. Why can my body no longer handle carrying babies? WHY WHY WHY.

The consensus of the OB's on duty for the duration of my hospital stay is that my c-section with Seija was botched. Apparently during the section my cervix and my uterus were cut and never repaired. That combined with significant scar tissue has resulted in a faulty uterus which can no longer support baby once he gets to a certain size.

Juha was angry to hear this. Angry that most of the above is written in my file after Seija's birth yet no one ever told me. Angry that the doctor made such an error that later resulted in the death of our baby. But, I have no anger. I am relieved to have an explanation. And I know that if we would have been told this after Seija's birth we would have never tried to get pregnant again. It would have been irresponsible and negligent for us to try for another baby if we knew we could never make it to term and that we could possibly lose a baby. Therefore, if we knew I would have never had the chance to carry Oliver and I wouldn't have my precious miracle Oskar.

Both of my boys are blessings. I am grateful to God that Oskar is here and I believe that my Oliver is watching over us. But I also believe that parts of Ollie will live forever in my little baby Oskar.

1 comment:

  1. Kristy, I was in the September birth club with you, that is how I came across your blog. At first I was in tears reading your story, I could not imagine how ANYONE could go through what you went though and come out on teh other end able to talk, grieve and move past the sad. YOu have done an amazing Job. Your little Oliver is truly a blessing and has made sure his brother Oskar could come into this world safe and sound. It has been a while since you have blogged, i sure hope he is still doing so well!

    My son Jaxson passed away in June after being born at 28 1/2 weeks. It was the most horrific thing I have ever been through. Funny as I do not know you, but I kept remembering on the really bad days, that if you could get through it, so could I.
    Anyway, what I wanted to say was congrats on your third beautiful child!