Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Waiting For the Phone to Ring

This seems to be the theme of the last few months of my life. A few months ago I was waiting to hear from a multitude of employers, certain that each was going to end up in my dream job...I didn't get any of them.

Now, I sit waiting for the phone to ring, to hear from the doctor, certain that he will bear bad news about my test results..but hoping desperately that he won't.

You see, I really, honestly think that there is something seriously wrong with me, namely a brain tumor OR MS. I have come to this conclusion based on symptoms that have been plaguing me for the last five weeks, namely a tingly numbness in ALL of my arms and legs as well as a strange pressure in my head. These symptoms NEVER go away, they exist 24/7 and worsen when I go to bed at night, making sleep difficult.

My doctor does not seem as concerned as I am. He seems to think that it is all part of a new anxiety disorder I have developed since losing Oliver. I have such a hard time believing that what is going on in my body is not a physical thing.

But if I'm being honest, I must admit that I have been consumed with the idea that I'm going to die. Before the tingling and numbness started I was seeing the doctor for a lump in my throat, convinced I had throat cancer, only to discover I have a condition caused by stress and anxiety that causes muscles in your throat to react resulting in the person feeling like there is a huge lump in their throat, choking them and making it difficult to swallow. It should go away by itself. In time.

And, I have become a bit of a hypochondriac...constantly convinced I am dying for a variety of reasons including (but not limited to): heart attack, stroke, cancers, MS and lung disease.

I don't always feel anxious, yet I always feel the symptoms which makes it harder for me to believe this is all anxiety. I do feel anxious often though and although I haven't had a full blown panic attack in a few months I do have accelerations once in awhile and fleeting chest pains.

I hope it is all in my head, but I'm so effing scared right now that it's not. Every time the phone rings, I jump and my heart starts pounding. If they call and tell me to come in for a talk, I will probably die on the spot.

Stay tuned!

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